Do we do this to ourselves?

I know I am not alone in my guilty over the choices I make as a mother who works outside the home. (Lord knows all mothers have guilt.) What I cannot figure out is am I creating this guilt for myself? And if not, where is it coming from? Let me explain:

When Sweet Pea was in daycare, or pre-school, there were a few events, maybe 2 or 3 a year that parents were asked to attend during the day. And because our kids went to a full-time daycare/preschool, most, if not all, the children who went there had parents that work. So most of the center-run, or sponsored activities, took place after work.

But when you enter the elementary school years, this is not the case. I am finding there are many, MANY things parents are asked to attend at the most inconvenient times for working parents. There are parties. There are field trips. There are plays. There are “peek weeks” for EVERY “special” class, i.e. P.E., art, music. And of course these class times are smack in the middle of the morning. Granted they only last an half hour but when you have to commute 40 minutes to work and you only work PT this does not leave you with much face time in the office – not to mention work time.

It’s not only the logistics of how to get there that make it so hard, but the emotional stress it adds to an already chaotic life and schedule. It can be so overwhelming. It’s just another item on a long list of reasons why it so hard to be a great mom and a great employee.

I love that our school has all this parent involvement. I really do. But what are working parents supposed to do? Not go? This would never fly with my child – and rightfully so. It doesn’t fly with me either. I want to be there. But how many times in one month can you really tell you boss that you won’t be in until 11 AM, and you leave at 2:30? Again, I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.

Last month, when I had to go Sweet Pea’s P.E. class for peek week, I was planning to lie and tell my boss I had a doctor’s appointment. Somehow in my mind this felt like a more acceptable excuse for being late to work. Why, I have no idea. In the end, I decided the truth was better. I know I am so ethical like that. No actually, I am not. It simply hit me. Was it WRONG to want to go to my child’s school event? Could any rational person really think this was the wrong choice? I didn’t think so either. But it helped that I knew my boss would understand. I have a great boss. She does not have kids but somehow she totally gets it. But I have had bosses that don’t. I know a lot of people who have bosses that don’t.

And what about the Dads? Hey, I mean, if I was afraid to tell my boss what I was doing, I would think there are many a men out there who might have also have a hard time telling their boss they need to miss that important meeting because, “Well I’d really love to attend my child’s kindergarten music class.” Yeah, I'm sure that will go over well.

And it’s only going to get worse. With eventually two kids in elementary school, (I am getting heart palpitation just thinking about it), I’ll never make it to work.

But you know what? I’ve decided I am no longer going to simply add this to my list of reasons why I’m either a terrible parent or a terrible employee (depending on the day). It’s important to me and my kid to be there, at least to as many as possible. This is my priority. I will never look back and wished I worked that one day (or ten as the case may be). I know some of it doesn’t sound all that important. But it is. To be a part of their day, if only for one day, or one part of one day, is something I will always remember. And they will remember me being there. (And they sure as heck would remember me not being there). And until someone has an issue with it, I have decided I will NOT feel guilty about making this choice.

Except that I will. Why do we do this to ourselves?

TUI

Finally, a diagnosis. I suffer from "TUI," Time, Urgency/Impatience syndrome. And according to this article I have all the symptoms. I get upset while waiting. I tend to eat fast. (Sometime I think I might actually choke myself). And I generally feel time pressured ALL THE TIME.

I always knew there was something wrong with me. I just didn't know it really had a name. In addition to the above symptoms I have others. I walk fast, always. On Fridays, when I don't work, I still rush around in the morning. When we are driving anywhere, especially when I am not the one actually driving, I cannot stand being behind people who drive too slow. And I hate traffic, to an extreme. It makes me crazy. It makes Jonathan crazy too. Not the traffic, me in the traffic. When I can't take it anymore and I blurt out some obnoxious comment like, "Can't you just go around them?" His response is, "What is your problems? We're not in a rush." But that's exactly it. I AM in a rush. Granted, I have no idea why.

It is kind of funny there is an actually name for this but it really does suck to have it. It's no joke. It's exhausting to always be in a rush. It explains why I an unable to stay awake past 9 PM, sometimes even earlier. Well, that and the two little creatures of mine who suck the life out of me each and every day. It's ironic too because I consider myself a relatively lazy person. You wouldn't think a lazy person would suffer from a syndrome which requires such exertion. But here I am, living proof.

The article does offer a few suggestions to help easy the effects. They recommend taking a one minute pause in your day to read a funny e-mail or dance with your partner. Yeah, I'm a sure a whole minute would do wonders. And ah, yeah, I'll get right on that dancing thing.

They also suggest a simply reminder to yourself to slow down. Yeah, I suppose that could work but I don't think this will serve as any kind cure for people who have spent their entire lives hurrying.

And finally, they suggest the "no-tech zone." You know, put away all those technological devices that keep you so connected so that you take time out to relax. I suppose this too may help for some people. But not people like me who turn to my technology to escape the reality of my life. This is where I read the paper, and those funny e-mails and blogs.

The only time in my life I can remember not being in a hurry all the time was when I was pregnant. I don't know if it was the hormones that somehow relaxed my brain and body or if I was just simply physically unable to move that fast. Maybe both.

I doubt they'll every really be a cure. But I suspect as I get older my symptoms may not be so severe, if again, only because I am physically unable to move so fast. It is somewhat gratifying to at least have a name to put on it. And when Jonathan asks me what my problem is, at least I will have a legitimate response. (Well, I'll think it's legitimate. He'll just add it to the list of reasons why he thinks I'm crazy.)

Playdate rule book

Now let me just say, I realize that some kids are not socially ready to have a drop off play date and so these rules might not apply to them. However, there of many out there, who are in fact ready, yet their parents appear not to be. And so these are for them:

1) If your child is over 4 do not assume you need to stay for the duration of the play date. In fact seize this opportunity to not only develop your child's independence but to give yourself a little downtime, relax and simply try to enjoy the gift of time FOR YOURSELF!

2) If you make a play date with a "friend" and the "plan" is to drop your kid off, do not call the 1/2 hour before the play date is suppose to start, (which may also happen to be a Sunday morning), tell the "friend" that in fact your husband is bring your child, has decided he will stay AND he will be bringing their 2 year old along for the fun.

For those saying, "Well, what's the big deal?" The big deal is, the "friends" may not have signed up for two hours of entertaining other adults and in fact may have had plans to try to get somethings done around their house during the play date. After all, isn't that some of the benefits of a play date? The children can help entertain each other so you can perhaps fold some laundry? Now, I 'm not suggesting you go about your business without properly supervising the children - of course, but many of these kids are now at an age when they can engage in some play independently with you not far away. Right?

3) If you are going to stay, do discipline your children when they start jumping on the beds. Especially when you have had a older child fall off the bed when jumping who had to be rushed to the emergency room when fluid started leaking from his ear. And when a simple, "Please don't jump on the bed [insert name here]," does not work, more effect means of communication may be necessary.

4) When you have already been at the "friends" house for two hours, and they are clearly trying to get ready to go out (as they said they would need to prior to the play date) do take the hint and get the heck out.

5) Don't be surprise that when failing to following rules 1-4, your "friends" do not call you again and invite your child over for another play date any time soon.

Okay, I retrack my earlier post....

I think I may need to relocate. I know I said how much I love those snow days but as I predicted, or admitted, I now feel differently. It is now April and there is a WINDCHILL FACTOR. This is totally unacceptable to me. I need to be outdoors. My kids need to be out doors - without hats and gloves, and frickin long underwear. Did I mention, it is April?

Not only that, I am convinced that if I lived in a warmer climate, not only would I be happier, and a less moody and depressed person but I would be thinner and healthier. You don't see the connection? Well you see, the fresh warmth of the sun would motivate me to run outside probably daily. Okay, not daily, but more often. And you know, I think that would do wonders for me! Yes, I do have a treadmill, that I manage to get on about 3 times a week - on a good week. But let's face it, that is not the same.

Now, if only I could convince the rest of my family to go with me, I'd be good to go. On second thought........

Who is this child?

Recently, I picked Sweet Pea up from After School. And as always, I asked one of the teachers, "How was her day?"

"Oh, great." She replied. And after a short pause she added, "She always has a great day. I don't think she is the type of person who could have a bad day." So naturally I turn to look over my shoulder to see who she might be talking to. Surely she was not taking to me, about MY child. And yet, she was. I guess my look said it all, because she then said something like, "Oh I know, some times they save it all for home." Oh, you have no idea. If only she had seen this very same child, only moments later as we got in the car, freakin' flip out on me because I had forgotten to bring her a snack . And lord knows the FIVE minute drive home was more than any child should have to endure without a snack.

I have always know this about Sweet Pea but it still never ceases to amaze me. She is a totally different child at home then at school - behaviorally. We got her first "progress report" from kindergarten. And as always, at school, follows directions, first one to clean up, great at transitions from one activity to next. I'm thrilled she does such a great job at school. But why can I not have that same child at home?

I know...they come home, their tired from being "good" all days and they just can't keep it together for us. And sometimes I see glimpses of that child. Like when she decides she will do the dishes tonight. Or, when she tries to help her brother when he is mid-tantrum and doesn't want to get dressed. She will negotiate with him, get his clothes and helps him get dressed, all at her own initiative. I know she is a good kid. This is why it so frustrating to not see more of what, I know, she is capable of.

I feel like I don't know that "easy going" child everyone tells me about.

People also say, "its great she's so comfortable at home that she can fall apart when she needs to." I guess so. But sometime "fall apart" is an understatement. She can be down right mean and nasty.

But she's a perfectionist; spending much of her day, trying to be perfect in so may different ways. And while we know perfection is impossible, she's hasn't quite figured that out yet. Which I guess in a nut shell explains the meltdowns. It's hard work trying to be perfect. I just wish she weren't so hard on herself, or us!

Quote of the Week

"Mommy?"

"Yes, JJ?"

"Girls talk too much."

This, from my 3 1/2 year old son. I don't know if I should be offended, or commend him on having such insight at such a young age.

Snow Day

As Jonathan nears the end of his training, we're starting to give thought to the kind of jobs he might look for, and where we might consider living - or even if we would consider relocating. During several of these conversations Jonathan has mentioned the kind of opportunities that may exist more south of us, not to mention, the warmer climate. And though there are many reasons to consider this, one of my primary reasons for not wanting to the leave the northeast is SNOW DAY!

How can kids grow up without snow days? To me they epitomize what childhood is all about. I remember waking up as a kid, running to the window to see what the chances might be that school is cancelled. And then putting on the radio, and waiting to hear if they announce our town. I don't think they even had the cancellations on TV then - which is another item to add to my, "You know when your getting old" list. Then, when you've hear them announce your town, that rush! A whole day with NOTHING to do but watch TV in you PJ's. What could be better than that? In my opinion, at that age, nothing.

Today my kids and I are home early. Work and schools closed. We've bunkered down with our mugs of hot chocolate. Now, I love sun and sand, and come mid-February I may be changing my tune, but today, nothing beats this.